During our day to day life we face disappointments whether these are our personal disappointments or whether these are the disappointments of someone close that is likely to affect us as well. We can have small disappointments about the simplest things and bigger disappointments, the size of the expectation determines the size of the disappointment.
First of all we will define what is disappointment?
Disappointment is an expectation of something that did not happen,
or something that happened and should not have happened.
In a lot of cases we are disappointed with those closest to us because we have expectations of them. A classic example between spouses "he should have known…", "she knows me I expected her to understand…", "we have been together for years how he did not notice…" and so they are disappointed time and time again that we could just avoid with the simple understanding that there is no expectation without communicating it. No matter how much the person knows you and is "supposed" to know. The person in front of us can never get into our head, he or she will not understand what our expectation is if we do not just tell her or him.
If the disappointment has already happened, because we are human and our level of communication is not perfect, here is a tool that will help deal with disappointments:
Step One - Listen - Focus on listening and not answering. Our first tendency is to resist or justify. Sometimes it is difficult to be in a state of listening especially if “fire” is directed at us and the disappointment is related to us.
This is the first and most important stage in which we will learn to focus only on listening to those who stand in front of us or ourselves.
Step Two - Ask - We will ask to hear the facts and try to understand what caused the disappointment. The more details we ask for, the better we will know where the disappointment comes from. For example, ask, "Explain to me what happened?" And we get an answer like "I feel you do not care about me" is drawn to ask to better understand "How did you come to this conclusion?"
Step Three - Ask A Question - We will create a partnership, we will move the person from a state of focusing on problems to a state of finding solutions. When we ask questions it immediately creates cooperation from the other side, the best stimulus is a question.
For example, Ask: "What do you suggest?", "How do we solve it?", "What do you expect from me?"
Step Four - Clarify & Communicate - We will clarify what is going to happen from now on. This is our summary of things.If we have not been able to reach an ideal solution, we can determine that the both sides will think about things and decide at a different time what is going to happen. It is important that we communicate this as accurately as possible.
An example from real life of using the tool according to the steps:
Dor and Jasmine are a couple who live together in an apartment. Dor returns home on Thursday night at 20:00 but was supposed to return at 19:00, he did not answer and did not update Jasmine on this delay. When he entered the house he found her angry and uncooperative. He can get angry back, and be disappointed back that she does not understand his side.
Instead, he decided to use a tool to treat disappointments.
Dor: "Jasmine, what bothers you?" (Step One: Ready to Listen)
Jasmine: "Why didn’t you let me know you're late? I've already asked you a thousand times to let me know if your plans change… I'm sitting here waiting, I could have made other plans…”
Dor: "Okay, is it all because I did not arrive on time? Or because I did not update on the delay? (Step Two: Asks for Facts)
Jasmine: "Both and also, mainly the fact that you did not update me because I could have done something else for myself or met with a friend… I feel that you are disrespecting me, and that you do not care about me"
Dor: "I understand you, sorry that you feel that way…how would you like it to be next time? (Step Three: Asks Questions)
Jasmine: "If you see you're late and get home late it's fine, just update me so I know, you do not have to call even just leave me a message"
Dor: "Okay, from now on I will make sure to remember to update you, because I understand how important this is to you… and you are important to me…
Next time if I linger, as soon as I understand it, I’ll send a message to update you (Step Four: Clarity & Communication)
Sometimes we can walk around for long hours with the feeling of disappointment and let it just pass, this is also an option because in the end everything always passes. Sometimes all we need is to give ourselves time. But if you want to learn how to clear disappointments faster, this tool is great and easy to apply if you are open to putting your ego aside and are willing to create space for listening and partnership.
Comments